


My Love Will Never Die

by The_Ghost_King



Series: Hozier Inspired [5]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Homophobic Language, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Inspired by a Hozier Song, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, One-Sided Attraction, Song: My Love Will Never Die (Hozier), Suicide, Suicide Notes, Title from a Hozier Song, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Trigger Warning in the notes, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-06
Updated: 2019-08-06
Packaged: 2020-08-10 13:28:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20136193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Ghost_King/pseuds/The_Ghost_King
Summary: Nothing is worth living for in Tony's opinion. Not really. He's just dragging himself through the days, making do with empty promises and the hope that people will miss him once he’s gone.Honey please, try to love me, honey please, Honey try, my love will never die





	My Love Will Never Die

**Author's Note:**

> 1) Inspired by [ My Love Will Never Die](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vgjjtpVFzkA) by Hozier  
Okay so serious trigger warning everyone coming right up:
> 
> **Trigger Warning**:  
\- Suicidal Ideation  
\- Suicidal Thoughts  
\- Homophobic Language  
\- Parental Abuse  
\- Mentions of/ Reference to Self-Harm

Nothing is worth living for in Tony's opinion. Not really. He's just dragging himself through the days, making do with empty promises and the hope that people will miss him once he’s gone.

Every time Howard gets mad at him and calls him names it becomes harder to believe though.

Being called a disappointment and a hindrance is an almost daily occurrence now but it slides past Tony like it's nothing. He's been on autopilot for what feels like years now although realistically it can't have been more than a few months.

The emptiness is an aching, echoing void inside of him, sucking him dry from the inside out and Tony just wants to  _ give in _ . Wants everything to be over. Wants his suffering to finally come to an  _ en _ d. A long-awaited end.

He shuffles a bit closer to death every day. There are pills stashed in his bedroom drawers, he's got razor blades hidden underneath the bed and a rope in his closet. 

He attached a hook to his ceiling three years ago, the first time he had a vivid flash of his limp and lifeless body hanging from the ceiling. Back then he hadn't really believed he'd ever do it but he'd put it up anyway. No one ever knows what the future holds after all.

Back then he'd had more reasons to live. Three years ago his Mother, Ana and Edwin had still been alive. Now all he's left with is Howard and Obadiah and neither of them actually care about him. They care about the value he might have to the company later but currently, he's just Tony, a teenager with nothing to offer unless you attach and embolden the Stark after his name.

He’s so tired of it.

* * *

One of the few good things in Tony’s life is Bucky Barnes. Bucky doesn’t know he exists. Probably isn’t aware of his existence beyond the rumours about him that run rampant in the school but that’s alright. Tony doesn’t mind. It’s not like he knows Bucky beyond the few interactions they’ve had in hallways when he’s bumped into him or the one time Bucky asked him for his chemistry notes because he’d forgotten to make any. 

It’s kind of pathetic how happy those instances had made Tony.

The happiness was always followed by bouts of intense guilt and self-hatred, he could imagine his father standing over him and telling him that he should stop being such a sissy.

_ Stark men aren’t attracted to men, I want you to stop this abomination before it affects the company because the media caught wind of it, do you understand? _

Tony has an intimate understanding of what exactly his dad would do to him if he was ever caught with a boy again. It’d be worse than the cuts and bruises from last time. He’s pretty sure the next punishment would kill some part of him. If it hadn’t died before then already.

* * *

It's like an itch under his skin and Tony wants to scratch it so badly. So so  _ so _ badly but he's promised himself not to do it anymore. Well, he hasn’t promised himself. He promised Ana and Edwin when they were still alive. Tony knows that he’ll probably join them sooner rather than later but breaking promises to the dead isn’t something he wants to do.

He’s enough of a disappointment to the living already.

* * *

Tony confesses to Bucky by accident. It wasn’t supposed to happen at all, and yet.

* * *

Tony’s on the edge again. He can look right over with a bit of effort, look deep into the void and hope it pulls him under.

God, he  _ hates _ himself. He's so easy to hate too, he's stupid and makes mistakes all the time and never apologises, and when he does people don't think it's sincere. He's thrown up so many masks that at times he forgets who he is, who he’s supposed to be.

He's tired, has been for such a long time and now the person who kept him afloat through it all has dropped him like a stone.

Tony's freefalling.

He grabs the pills, swallows them all down and lies on his bed.

He wonders if anyone will find him, his dad never checks.

* * *

Being called out of class to come to the principal’s office isn’t a new thing for Bucky Barnes. He’s a bit of a troublemaker, it comes with the territory. However, he hasn’t done anything Principal worthy these past weeks so he has no clue why he’d be called in now. Steve looks at him questioningly as he leaves the classroom, Bucky shrugs and makes his way to the principal’s office.

When he opens the door he knows he’s fucked.

Principal Fury, Howard Stark and his mum are all present. Mr Stark glares at him and holds something in his hands, his mother looks upset too. He has no clue what he did and Tony Stark is nowhere in sight.

His stomach churns as he sits down.

"Mr Barnes," principal Fury starts.

"Are you a friend of Tony's?" His mum interrupts and Bucky knows that whatever he's called in for must be bad because Fury doesn't look upset with her.

"No ma," he drawls, "Stark and I shared some classes but we didn't really talk much. Has something happened?"

"Don't mess with me, young man," Howard Stark says, "He's mentioned you and your friends before."

_ Stark had what _

"Excuse me, Sir," Bucky says trying to contain the anger that's starting to bubble up, "but why exactly am I here? Stark and I weren't friends and my friends had nothing to do with him either."

Fury sighs and looks right at Bucky, there's something in his eyes. Remorse, maybe.

"Tony Stark passed away last night. He committed suicide and addressed the note to you, Mr Barnes."

"He  _ what _ ?"

* * *

<strike> _ Dear Bucky or is it James, only your friends can call you Bucky right? _ </strike>

_ <strike>Dear</strike> Barnes, _

_ I know that you've never really liked me regardless of how much I hoped for the contrary. _

_ You've done me wrong for a long long time, y'know. _

_ Unintentionally but still and after all you've done, I never changed my mind. _

_ I've noticed and memorized every little thing about you for so long now.  _

_ I know that you only tie your hair up on good days and keep it down the rest of time to shield your face from other people.  _

_ I know that you don't love to fight but that you'd follow Steve to the ends of the earth.  _

_ I know that Steve is the only one who's allowed to touch your prosthesis and Steve's is the only hand you'll hold when you're upset. _

_ I know that you play guitar in the middle of the night at the edge of town some nights. _ <strike> _ I tend to wander there late at night with stones in my pocket thinking of nothing but death. _ </strike>

_ I know you love Steve in a way that you'll never love me. Regardless of the numerous daydreams in which I beg and plead and say, "Honey please, try to love me. Honey  _ ** _please_ ** _ , Honey  _ ** _try_ ** _ ." _

_ Even as I do my love for you will never die.  _

_ I know that this note must be upsetting and incredibly uncalled for. I know what you think of me, I know what rejection sounds like coming from your lips but I can't help myself. _

_ The idea of you is someone I've loved for so long. It's the reason why I've teetered on the edge for so long without tipping over. _

_ Don't blame yourself for my actions, this outcome is inevitable. It's just a bit sooner this time around. _

_ I imagine I'm at peace now, finally. _

_ You might never read this but know that if flowers grow where I'm laid to rest you'll feel my love for you bursting loud from inside as you hold them to your chest. _

_ I'm sorry to burden you with this knowledge  _ <strike> _ but I'm going out like I lived, 'selfishly and with no regard for anyone but myself, not the one to make the sacrifice play,' right? _ </strike>

_ I hope you're not too upset, if at all. _

_ Tony _

There are tearstains on the slightly crumpled note, marks left from a desperate teen who wrote these words in his last moments alive. 

Bucky is moved as he reads them. The pain and yearning for something good are clear in the words but Bucky knows that this was not his fault and he knows that any remorse or guilt he feels can't be absolved.

The only person who could have absolved him is dead.

Bucky leaves the note on  _ Tony's  _ grave and ignores the blueish forget-me-nots that cover it.

He walks away.

**Author's Note:**

> Well, Happy Birthday to me.
> 
> [ My (fanfic) Tumblr](https://the--ghost--king.tumblr.com/)


End file.
